8 of 8

Lastly a wee story then a bit of a sum up about what I think I've been doing here.

So let me tell you about two ladies who helped me at a really important time in life.

You learn who you are when you leave all that is familiar and start out on your own.

At the time it was just a big adventure, it felt to me like we were going to the big smokes so we could make our fortune.

The house we rented when we arrived in Selby

Well, it was Selby, it wasn't big and there was no smoke.  We also had a large rent, lots of expenses and one wage!  But it was still our adventure and actually turned out better than the one I'd imagined, but I had a rocky start.

Our boy was 4 months old, I had decided already I'd give up work to stay home with him.  I didn't at that time realise we'd move to England and I'd be giving up my support network and all that was familiar, as well as work.

It was tough at first, lonely, but also the making of me.

Motherhood came naturally in lots of ways and not so much in others.  I remember one day calling a woman from church and asking if she wanted to go for a walk- I just needed adult company.  I kept it casual and made her feel it was no big deal.  She said she didn't feel like it that day as she had to clean out a cupboard.  I came off the phone and cried, no in fact sobbed.   I realised then just how lonely I was and that I needed to do something about it.

We went to every mother and baby group the small village had to offer, tumble tots, tiny tunes, baby swimming lessons (which in my now less socially isolated opinion are a waste of money by the way). I think we went to 3 different churches mother and toddler groups per week.  In time thing's got easier,  less desperate.  Once a rhythm of life was established I felt happier and actually began to enjoy the time I had with just my boy and I very much. Looking back I appreciate that tough start to motherhood and all it brought out of me.  Those memories of his early years are treasured and precious.

At that time I met two ladies I hold on pedestals to this day.  So forgive me if I get a bit flowery here, I may go over the top! Beth and Kathryn.

Kathryn and I with our first borns.

Kathryn was accomplished and capable. She had a maths degree and played piano well.  Her personality was a great balance of creativity, sensitivity, intuition and straight forward practical realism.  She had wit and wisdom too.  The girl next door who you felt could achieve anything she set her mind to.

Beth was gentle and generous.  Self-contained and independent but always willing to share, whether it was lunch, her time or her listening ears.  She was wholesome and easy going.  She was Mary in the nativity play one Christmas.  She played it perfectly and to me embodied qualities of womanhood that made her the perfect choice for the part.  She was and is a superlative mother.

These ladies showed me what good friends look like.  Caring not competitive, the kind that were as happy for your success as they were for their own.  The kind of women who talked to people not about them.

In case you can't tell I love both of them very much.

There are so many I haven't mentioned.  I'm sorry if thats you, this was never meant to be a tribute to individuals.  I'm not sure I knew what it was meant to be when I started but if you feel left out I've no doubt you're important to me too.

So this is how this blog series ends.

It's funny,  as I say I'm not sure why I started this it wasn't intentionally to share my life story although I kind of have haven't I?  (Minus the gory details).  I just sat up one night and wrote a handful of posts that seemed to be about friendship.

I am obviously trying to make sense of my past and figure out what it means for me today.  I have been for a while now.

Something about this reflection makes me feel grateful for the present and excited for the future.  Once you get past the shame and vulnerability it's actually quite a nice feeling as you piece it all together and a picture of who you are emerges.  Kinda like what I'd imagine group therapy to be:)

As I've shared stories of my history it has begged the question for me, what next?  And I don't mean in terms of blog posts.  I've come up with one or two things and felt the motivation to restart other things.  I am always interested in growth, change and challenge.  All in all I am glad I have done this despite some early misgivings and false starts!

This whole thing has helped me feel whole.  Maybe my version of the velveteen rabbit.

Thank you for being part of it and for your kind comments and acknowledging likes.  It has felt important to feel heard for some reason.

I'll close with this.

This week I talked at an event linked to some voluntary work I am part of.  It's to do with child protection.  A friend asked if I recognised the old Lynne I was speaking about, my answer was "yes I do, she is still in there".  Alive and well actually.

In fact this journey of openness and discovery has helped me embrace her instead of hiding her away.   I also realise she didn't have it all wrong either and there is a lot I liked about her that the present me could learn from.  I was far less judgmental for a start, she'd also have called me out on any pretentious snobbery that has crept in over the years.  I feel like keeping her close makes me a better version of myself.

So I guess I'm saying maybe this whole thing has been about me taking my inner child and teenage self by the hand, leading her out and telling her to stop hiding.  There is no reason to hide.

If I could, I'd say to her, come sit here right beside me.  You have so much to look forward to, it will all be ok,  you are worthy, you belong and you will soon have a wonderful life full of very good friends........then I'd hope she didn't punch me in the face for sounding like a pretentious snob;)