Friends part 4 of 7

I hadn't really had to worry about friends before now, not in this way at least.

This was a new kind of worry.

Why did I even care if these girls liked me?  Part of me dismissed their lack of friendliness as silly, immature and petty...the other part of me realised in fact here in this place they did have power to hurt my feelings.

Previously I'd have known how to deal with this but without swearing, brashness and the subtle threat of violence I suddenly had nothing, I was left facing the truth that it just hurt my feelings.

I was on their territory now.

Had they ever ventured into what had previously been mine they'd have been eaten alive.

We would sit together in our dresses and listen to the lessons, hold our hymn books and pray together.

In the toilets they'd smile sideways at me and continue their conversations, laugh at stories that you really had to have been there for.

I had swiftly cut ties with my previous associates now though and put all my eggs in this mormon basket, I was all in.

Everything had changed for me, except for the fact that I was trying my best to fit in again, just differently this time.

I had never up until that point in my young life, struggled for a friend.

I wasn't there for them, I told myself, it wasn't going to stop me coming, I decided.  A lot was at stake here I'd decided this was important, so I tried to take it on the chin and put it down to that new thing I'd heard about.  It was meant to be good for you.  A humbling experience I think they called it.

Worst was when the adults noticed and tried to fix it.  No-one wants to be assigned a friend. That was excruciatingly embarrassing!

One such time was after church one day, in the hall.  We stood round talking to a handsome 20 something.  One of the tallest girls decided she wanted to talk to him instead, so she stepped in front of me cutting me off mid sentence as if I wasn't even there.  Hot tears pricked my eyes, not only by what she did but more by the response of the 20 something, who called her on it.  He was scathing and precise, his sympathy humiliated me and brought my problem into sharp focus.

So now I hung out in school playgrounds on Saturday afternoons painting the shelters as an act of service-by gosh had things changed!

I soon got a job as a waitress which conveniently kept me away from the Tuesday night youth group. So that first summer as a Mormon (again) I worked a lot and tried hard to find reasons not to find some old or new friends (I wasn't picky) to get drunk with.  The feeling that I was missing out stayed for a long time actually.

In time it got better with the girls at church.

It took a while but I also tried to see things from their perspective.

They'd heard stories about me of course and had grown up with a strong narrative warning them about influences from "the world".  Perhaps they were just being cautious.

I was also likely sickeningly self-righteous, having resolutely turned my back on all that was just now turning their heads.  Who wants to be lectured to by a repentant 15 year old.

I was like the fat girl who got skinny and and started telling everyone to eat right and go to the gym.....you might not have been my friend either;)

So those first few years at church were kind of lonely and for the first time I just wanted a "good friend."

Thankfully some came along.....